Groomer Gone Crazy

I took Kinnzi to the groomers at a big name store, which will remain anonymous. This groomer costs over$10 more than my usual groomer. The whole reason I took her to this groomer is because of the huge picture window that allows patrons to watch their dog get a hair cut. I wanted to watch and see if I would feel comfortable cutting her hair myself. Keep in mind this was the third time, in a matter of three weeks, I took her into this groomer.

The first time I took her in I couldn't find her vaccine records, so they told me to bring her in and they would call the vet when I got there and get confirmation over the phone. I got there and the vet was closed for the day, so I had to set up another appointment.

The second time I took her in the groomer started laying into me about every thing I was doing wrong with my dog: I need to brush her every day, I need to use this special comb, etc. I through me off, I wasn't expecting a lecture making me feel like I don't deserve to be a dog owner. With the groomer going off on me she failed to hear me when I stated what kind of haircut I wanted for my dog. I showed up and four hours later and she wasn't cut. I paid $36 for a bath and nail clip. I was a bit ticked because they kept her hair long when I told them I needed it short for the summer because she likes to roll around in the grass, sand, poop, and anything else she can roll in. I didn't want to have to maintain long hair wrapped in crap. So she spent four hours brushing all the snarls out of her hair when she should have just cut them all out. Needless to say I had to set up another appointment to get her cut.

The third, and final time, I took her in the groomer started in on me again about how it was my fault for not making my desires known on the type of cut on the last visit. I stepped outside and was watching through the window and she told me I couldn't watch anymore because my dog wouldn't settle down. Then after an hour of walking around the store trying to entertain Bud and Bear, my name gets called over the intercom saying my dog is done, finally. I went into the shop and she looked horrible. She had huge patches of hair that were uncut, half her face was shorter than the other half, she didn't even try to shave up and over her nose. I could not believe what I was seeing. I asked her to please fix her face. No problem she said, but I don't know what she did but she didn't fix it. I was so pissed I took her home and had to try and fix the mess she made.

On top of all that my dog was traumatised and hurt. She limped for the next week. I could not get her to play. Every time the kids tried to give her lovens she would snip at them. I don't know what that chick did but I will never ever take her back there again. I don't know if Kinnzi will ever let me take her to the groomer again. I guess if one good thing came out of this, it would be that I have more incentive to learn to cut Kinnzi's hair myself. I will save me money, not only on the grooming, but also on vet bills.

Blogging

I have been reading a lot about blogging lately. I figure I am so new at this I want to learn all I can about how to make mine better. Well, there is such a wealth of information out there, half of it I don't understand. Now I've learned that if I want to I can try to make money off my blog, but you really have to come up with an original idea to blog about. I don't think I am interested in that. It got me thinking about why I blog. Why do I write about my inner chattering thoughts? To tell you the truth, I don't really know. I think I am searching for someone to know that I exist, that I do have a brain, and, although boring, I do have something to contribute.

It is almost like I want a record of my journey to discovering my voice and you are my audience. You get the rare privilege of watching a uneducated writer's dream develop, emerge, and take shape. How unbelievably exciting would it be to have watched someone like Stephen King, Ernest Hemingway, or Tolstoy start out as young uneducated writers with only a dream of someday being published? I guess that is why a lot of people go back and write autobiographies, so many people ask the question of how you get to where you are.

I am not waiting until after I become published to share my experience with everyone. You get to follow me from the beginning and read how my writing gets better as I get an education. Yes, I will admit, there is going to be some boring times and yes it will be a slow process, but what an awesome process to see unfold. Wow aren't you lucky!?!

Awakening

"April Showers bring May Flowers" I have to keep reminding myself that it is not summer yet and there will be some crappy days still. As soon as we had our first beautiful day this season I was ready for it to be that way everyday. I think a lot of us feel this way. I have to reign in my excitement of gardening, long evening walks, and stooping until it gets a bit later in the season.

It is funny that not only do flowers blossom in the Spring, but also ideas and goals blossom. I have so many ideas of what I want to accomplish, outside of course. I want to take walks every night. I want to ride bikes with my kids and explore the inner streets of our beautiful city. I want to teach my children to love all the exquisite master pieces our Father in Heaven has put here for us. Along with the flowers blossoming with all their potential, I also want to blossom with mine. I know I can be a better wife, mother, and friend, and it is a new season to try.

Maybe I am more like a caged animal than a blossoming flower. I have been trapped in this house all winter, not counting all the snowmobiling trips. I feel ravenous to get out, feel the sun on my face, and interact with people. What a great time of year, it is an awakening for everyone and everything; flowers, animals, and all of us.

The End of a Semester

I have turned in my first draft of my last paper. Now I am waiting for my appointed time to meet with my professor to go over it and see where I can improve. What a wonderful feeling to be this close to being done. I know I am still a long way from graduation but I feel like I've take at least a step toward that. After ten years of standing still, it feel great to be on the move again.

I am a little disappointed in how easily I fizzled out here at the end. After Spring Break I really struggled getting my head back into my papers, especially this last one. I hope I do better next semester since I won't have the summer break waiting for me at the other end, just another semester.

I have been impressed with how much easier it is to focus this time around. My sister said it is because I actually want to be in school. I think she's right, not that I didn't want to be there last time, but I didn't have any focus, I didn't know what I wanted to go into. It made it really hard to want to be going to school for no reason. Now that I have a goal I want to achieve it helps me to focus on the big picture. I feel like this is an attainable goal and some day, even if it's another ten years away, I will be a college graduate.

On thing about being back in school is summer breaks mean something again, as does fall. I have been envious, of people going to school, every fall. I wanted to buy pencils, paper, and binders too, but I had no reason to do so. I thought my obsession would be satisfied once my own kids started going to school. Then I had a legitimate reason to be in the school supply section at the store. It was not as gratifying as I would have liked it to be. Deep down inside I still knew it was not me going to school. Now not only do I get to buy pencils; I also get to throw a party at the end of the school year to bring in the summer. YEAH!

My Big Mouth

This morning I woke up early, in time to see Big D before leaving for work. He sat down on the bed and told me he found something last night. He found a little post it note on his school binder. My mind started racing trying to remember if I had put it there. He explained that it was from our oldest, Bug. She had left him a note saying, "Daddy please don't take this new job." Needless to say it broke his heart and he was unable to concentrate on his homework. It was still bothering him that morning and didn't know what to do about it.

It has been pretty hectic the past few months with Big D's boss moving on to greener pastures leaving Big D to run the department. Well his boss wasn't very forthcoming with information, he liked to do it all himself so he didn't teach Big D much of anything. Now not only is he having to train himself how to run this department; it is now the end of the fiscal year for them and he has people needing last minute help with their projects completion. Well, he is also in his first semester of the master's program. All of this hit at the same time and he is running around trying to fulfill all his obligations and not let anyone down.

I didn't help things when I confessed to him I had a disturbing dream the other night. In this dream I was married to someone else, Big D was there with Bear and the were leaving. I looked at him and asked him where he was going and he told me he needed to go home and put the kids to bed. I remember my heart was torn because all I wanted to do was go with him, but I couldn't. I had to stay because I was married to someone else. I woke up and I knew exactly what the dream meant. It was an incite to how Big D feels when he is at work and all he wants to do is be at home with me and the kids. It made my heart ache for him.

So this morning, making breakfast for the kids before I pushed them out the door for a day of learning, I told Bug her daddy found the note. I told her it made him sad. She broke down in tears. I really could have worded that differently. I held her in my arms and tried to explain to her that it wasn't her note exactly that made him sad, it was that he was sad because he didn't get to spend as much time with them as he'd like. He missed them more than anything but he doesn't know what to do about it. He hates that he has to spend the majority of his time at work, comes home for an hour and then rushes off to school. I told her it will get better in about two weeks when school gets out and we can spend the evenings together as a family. I hope she felt better after that because I gotta say I felt like a horrible mother.

It is hard having Big D gone so much. What do you do? You have to provide for your family and the expenses grow as the children grow. And the yearly cost of living increase does not keep up. It sucks having to chase the all mighty dollar but if we don't win the lottery here soon, we have to do what we have to do. I guess our chances would increase if we played the lottery, darn.

Stay-at-Home Mother's

This is the topic of my last paper for the semester. I know it sounds a bit boring, but stay-at-home mother's can be pretty cool people if you give us a chance. I never realized how much controversy there is out there concerning this one profession that has been around since Adam and Eve. I had never heard of "Mommy Wars" until I started researching my paper, but they are every where, and there are some very strong feelings on the subject. Working mom's feel like society wants to push them back into the home, undoing the entire women's rights movement. Stay-at-home mother's just want a little help and respect for choosing to raise their own kids instead of pawning the responsibility off on a stranger. I am advocating for tax breaks, or incentives, to help women get to choose if they want to stay home. It seems to me that this career choice is becoming a thing of the past. A profession that was just assumed every young woman in the 40's was going to do after having babies, is now one that some women would love to do but can't because of finances. The government gives working mothers subsidies to help them pay for day-care, I believe they should also allocate that same money to women who choose to stay home. I have heard the argument that working mothers pay taxes therefore help pay for the subsidies the government is handing out. Stay-at-home mother's don't pay taxes, because they don't have anything to pay taxes on. However, they are raising well rounded individuals who will grow up and hopefully become an asset to our society and pay taxes.

I don't know all the particulars on the arguments for and against these sort of incentives. All I do know is I wish there was a new women's movement that made it so women really do have a choice if they want to work or stay home. My mom said when she was younger all she ever wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom. After her seventeen year marriage ended she was forced to get out and provide for her six children. This is a common story for a lot of women out there. I, myself a stay-at-home mother, am always apprehensive of the day when we just can't afford to keep me home any longer and I have to enter the workforce. We make huge sacrifices to keep me home, we don't have the newest cars, or the biggest house. We live very modestly and try to be as frugal with our money as possible. We have to have grandparents help pay for piano lessons, dance, and soft ball or our children would not be able to partake in those extra curricular activities.

Just like everyone else, I want the world for my children. I want them to enjoy this short time of being kids, they will be adults for such a long time. I am trying to help my children progress into responsible adults who will some day go off and have families of their own. And I want my daughters, and future daughter-in-laws, to have the choice of staying home or working. With the cost of living going up the way it is, stay-at-home mothers may be an extinct profession before too long. We need help and we need our govenment to stand up for family values. I believe that if we have strong families we will have a strong society.

Now how do I get that point across on my paper without sounding biased? And where can I find sources to back me up? Oh, this paper is going to be a toughy.

Fence or Fortress

I love the new fence Big D just got done putting up in our backyard. I get a little shy being outside and thinking people are watching me. Probably because when we were first married we had a neighbor who used to sit on his front porch all day every day, and his porch faced our house. Needless to say our yard died because I refused to do yard work with him staring at me all day.

I want my home to be a sanctuary from the outside world. I want to feel safe and not worry there is someone watching me all the time, or ever for that matter. I fear that all I've done is build a fortress around my home, all I need now is a mote. I even built a natural fortress in my front yard with trees and shrubs. I am sure I put off a vibe to all my neighbors that they are unwelcome so stay away. I need to change that.

I have often wondered why some people come off as snobbish, but they don't realize they are. Is it because they are shy? Sometimes perhaps. Is it because they really do think they are better than everyone else? Probably more often then they will admit. Or is it because they just don't know how to talk to people and they are afraid of offending them? That could be it too. Which do you think was the case for the popular princesses in high school? I'll let you decide, but I will admit I was not a princess in high school. I am sure I come off as snobbish sometimes. I wish I was more like Big D: everyone gravitates to him. He is someone everyone remembers and everyone likes. People probably ask, "Who is Big D married to? Oh yea that snobby chick. I wonder how they ever got together."

Well, that is going to change. I have set myself some goals to put myself out there. To force myself to talk to others and hopefully make a difference in their life, at least for that moment. I am climbing over my own fence, or fortress, to talk to whom ever is on the other side. Can I do it? Yes I can!

Prospects

Big D has the opportunity to move up at work. The sad thing is we don't know if it is worth it. We have a pretty simple life and some would say we don't have many luxuries, however, we are blessed with an abundance of luxury. We have a lot of time together as a family and I think that is the best luxury anyone could ask for. We enjoy boating during the summer with our ancient boat that has been rebuilt once already. We enjoy snowmobiling in the winter with machines that are older than I am. We enjoy just being together as a family. Are we willing to sacrifice some of that to make more money? I don't think so.

Big D was talking to a college buddy the other day on the phone. He makes a six figure income, he lives in a brand new home, worth about half a million dollars, that they built themselves. They drive a brand new truck and have more money in savings than we probably make in a year. It's hard not to compare our circumstances to theirs. We have a drafty cramped 1950's home and drive two used cars. Our boat was a hand-me-down from my father-in-law, or we wouldn't even have that. Who has life figured out here? His buddy assumes we do and we often wonder if he does.

What is the ultimate life? Is it the biggest home in the neighborhood? Is it the fanciest car? I don't think so.

I believe it is the amount of love in the family. I believe it is your willingness to sacrifice something you want, or think you want, for the better good of the family. It is the unselfish nights of reading a book to your children even though bed time is long over due, and you had a long day at work or school. It is making a point of holding family home evening and giving the three year old a turn to conduct. And in my definition of having life figured out; I think both our families have it figured out, and we should relish in that thought and quit worrying about bigger, better, newer, etc. I do believe there is a fine line between having it figured out and loosing it all.

It is so easy to be sucked into the worlds belief that one must strive to be the CEO of a fortune five hundred company or they can't attain true happiness. Big D and I often think back on a story we heard about a fisherman who would go out every day and catch just enough fish to get his family by and then go home and spend the rest of his time with his young family. One day a rich man in a yacht pulled up along side of him and asked him why he didn't buy more boats, spend more time catching more fish, and sell them for more money. Maybe turning it into a huge enterprise making him millions of dollars then he could retire and spend time with his family then. The fisherman just smiled and asked why he would waist all that time just to get what he already has: time with his family.

Is Big D going to take this new position? I don't know, it hasn't been offered yet. Are we going to sacrifice our family time just for more money? No. It is the reason he hasn't accepted some of the other positions offered to him. We could be making a lot of money right now if we wanted to, but that isn't our priority, family is. We just hope that our kids learn from us how important family is and carry that into their own families someday. I definitely think Big D has it figured out, even if he doesn't know it. He brings so much love into our home and our hearts. He is a great husband and father and he is my best luxury in life.

Next Semester

I am a bit worried about how I am going to juggle next semester. I am only going to take one class again, but with my boys both being in school and their schedules crazy and not matching up, I an not going to be able to take a class in my major. I still have some generals I need to get out of the way so I am going to tackle some of them. I am thinking that I will take a math next semester and then tackle statistics the spring semester. I know that doesn't sound like fun, and here is my reasoning. When Bear gets into kindergarten I will be able to take more classes and then a full load when he enters 1st grade. Am I really going to want to wrestle with statistics when I am taking three or four other classes? I think not. I think my only chance of passing this class is not having any other classes to stress about. I know there are going to be other hard classes but for some reason math and me just don't get along. I need to pass this class to graduate. Oh and another perk is Big D is taking a statistics class in Fall so he's going to be all refreshed to help me. One thing that sucks is taking all these math classes is going to strip my motivation to go to school. I will have to keep my eye on the ultimate goal; to graduate in Journalism, and pray I never have to write about math. I can see how statistics are going to be beneficial but still I am not happy about taking the class. Big D said he had to read one book How to Lie with Statistics. I don't think that is a good thing, is it?

I Fear I Suffer From Spring Fever

Spring Fever is a pretty serious diagnosis, especially when it's a self diagnosis. The sun is out, off and on between snow showers, it is warming up, and flowers are rearing their beautiful heads. How could this time of year get any better? Oh yea when school gets out. I've found another reason that I am loving school, it means something again when I talk about Summer break. I am so excited for Summer to get here. We are such out doors people. Every year at this time we try to move our finances around and see if this is the year to purchase a camper trailer. I don't see it in our near future, but that is okay because we don't have to have a trailer to make memories.

I am itching to go outside and work in my garden. I saw someone prematurely mowing their lawn today and I got excited to come home and do mine. Now I didn't mow my lawn as I said before it is a bit premature. I can, however, go out and trim my trees and dig up some weeds and get my flower beds all ready for the explosion of color that is soon to come.

With this diagnosis of Spring Fever I am going to have to be very careful not to loose focus in my English class. I have one more paper to write and if I can manage an 'A' on this one, I think I can pull and 'A' in the class. I will have to work hard and focus focus focus, but I think I can do it. Do you think my doctor could prescribe anything for my Spring Fever? I just need it to last me a month.

How I Saw the Lord's Hand (March 2008)

3/31/08- Opened my eyes on how to be a better mom; go back to reading my scriptures daily.

3/30/08- I survived Nursery with 13 kids.

3/29/08- Still enjoying being together as a family. I know there is going to come a day when my kids would rather be with their friends, but it's not today.

3/28/08- We got paid and didn't end up in the red. Yeah!!!

3/27/08- The cemetery cleared everything off of Sweeton's grave and I was able to find it all, except the little car. I am going to go back and look again for the car.

3/26/08- The Lord putting herbs on the earth, like echinacea, to help kick colds bums quicker.

3/25/08- My head didn't blow up. I have the worsed cold ever, well until my next cold.

3/24/08- In the snow that covered the ground when I woke up in the morning. We are getting great moisture this year. Boating season is going to be wonderful.

3/23/08- Sitting through church with four kids on a sugar high and they all made it out alive.

3/22/08- My husband being worthy enough to take the youth to the temple for Baptisms.

3/21/08- Husband checked the fluids in my car and discovered I was almost completely out of water.

3/20/08- I woke up in the morning feeling refreshed after a wonderful uninterupted nights sleep.

3/19/08- Sitting in my car about to get out and go grocery shopping and knowing that there was something else I was suppose to be doing when my daughter calls right as I was going to open the door. She informs me that it was a half day of school and I am suppose to be across town right then to pick her up.

3/18/08- Staying calm and upbeat in the face of financial difficulties. Knowing that everything is going to work out in the end.

3/17/08- My daughter's road their bikes to a cousins house for the first time by themselves. They made it safely and called as soon as they got there.

3/16/08-Seeing my family sitting next to me at church. I know it won't be like this forever so I am grateful for the little time we do have to sit together.

3/15/08- When I looked out my office window at Big D setting up the trampoline in the snow. How much more blessed could I be than to have a husband who loves his kids so much.

The First 25 of 100 Things that Make me Happy

25. Thoughtful gestures, It really makes someone feel loved when they receive an unexpected thoughtful gesture. 4/8/08
24. Birthday presents, I think it is a wonderful way for someone to feel loved: remember their Birthday. 4/7/08
23. Thesauruses, what an awesome tool for writers. 4/6/08
22. Conference; listening to General Conference always invigorates me. It pushes me to want to be a better person and express that in my writing. I always get an insatiable need to write when I listen to Conference, but I discipline myself to wait until Conference is over so I don't miss anything important, then I let loose. 4/5/08
21. I know my husband is not a 'thing' but he deserves a spot on my list. He rescued me from a pitty party that I did not want to be involved in. He helped me find my way out therefore he is my knight in shining armor. 4/4/08
20. School, I know it makes me sound crazy but it truly makes me happy to learn new things. 4/3/08
19. Trampolines, I know they are one of the most dangerous toys my kids own, howeve, it keeps my kids entertained for hours. We have made it as safe as we can so I don't worry too much, but the first time someone breaks an appendage on it, it's gone. 4/2/08
18. My office chair; I have discovered that if I swivel in my chair really fast my dog will chase my feet. It's a fun new way to exercise her, until she catches me and bites my toes. Just more incentive to go faster. 4/1/08
17. A nice thick door when my two boys are play cowboys and indians with cap guns. 3/31/08
16. A nice leather journal that is begging to be written in. 3/30/08
15. My computer, when it works the way I think it should. 3/29/08
14. Warm fuzzy slipper socks; I so hate having cold feet and although it is officially Spring it is still freezing. 3/28/08
13. Caller ID; I don't have to worry about whose on the phone in the middle of inspiration, I can check after and call them back if I want to. 3/27/08
12. Herbs, Echinacea to be more exact, that help kick colds bums. 3/26/08
11. Books on tape; I can multitask at the same time as I read, less guilt. 3/25/08
10. A good set of clippers. I love to garden and especially love to sculpt my bushes so they are ready for Spring foilage to erupt from it's slumber. 3/24/08
9. Stores that are open 24 hours a day just in case I forget a holiday, like Easter. And by the loads of people in the store around midnight I am not the only one. 3/23/08
8. My bike; I love to ride bikes together as a family. 3/22/08
7. A sleek tube of lip right when my lips feel like the are going to shrivel up and fall off my face. 3/21/08
6. Bottled water, I love having a fresh bottle of water when I am totally parched and I don't have to drink the nasty tap water that's full of chlorine. 3/20/08
5. Kinnzi's pooper scooper, so I don't have to get anywhere near the nasties. 3/19/08
4. My cuddle chair, I love to cuddle with my sweet heart or my five sweeties, my dog is included. 3/18/08
3. Toilet seat covers in a public restroom. 3/17/08
2. My camera to capture those precious moments. 3/16/08
1. A stray piece of paper when inspiration hits. 3/15/08

Play Group

I have been a mom for almost ten years now and I don't think I've ever done a play group before. Today I went for the first time and I actually enjoyed it. I know it sounds juvenile but I've avoided them because I was nervous I wouldn't have anything to say to the other mothers therefore look like an idiot. Loaded with my recently acquired tips on how to small talk, I thought I'd try them out. I invited my sister-in-law to bring her two boys and join a group of mom's from my ward. I've been wanting to get to know my sister-in-law better but didn't really know what we had in common, besides my brother. We usually try to talk but it's always turned out forced and awkward. Today we talked for about and hour and a half and it was neither forced nor awkward. I had a really good time and I hope she did as well. Hopefully it will just get easier and easier from here on out. I just had to take the first step out of my shell. Yeah for me! I think I can really start to enjoy this play group thing after all.

Toofy Grin

I have had a picture on my desk top of Bear for the past couple of months. He has an angel's halo on and the biggest cheesiest smile. This smile takes up his whole face. I can't help but smile every time I see it, that's why I put it as my desk top background picture. Well I didn't want the other kids to feel bad that their pictures weren't on there so I started looking through some old pictures. I found one of each of them, all around the same age: two. They all have the same cheesy grin. I remember now that we used to say to them, "Give me your toofy grin!" right before we'd take a picture. So now I have all of them smiling at me when I turn on my computer in the morning. Each time I see them I have to smile, sometimes I even have to laugh.

I love that each picture has a special memory. Bug's was taken at Christmas time. We had taken her in to Wal-Mart to get an inexpensive professional picture taken of her to hand out for Christmas. I was pregnant with Beaner and had a doctor's appointment so I had to leave before we got our turn. An hour after our scheduled appointment, and well into Bug's nap time, it was finally our turn. Big D tried every thing to get her to smile but she would have no part of it, she just wanted daddy to hold her. After a half an hour the photographer said they were going to take one more picture and then she just had to get on to the her next client. Big D sat down with Bug on his lap, he begged her to please smile just once for daddy, and she did. The photographer had to pull in tight on Bug as to not get Big D in the picture and she was quick enough that she caught the tiniest moment of a smile. In the picture both of her eyes are brimming with soon to be fallen tears, but she has the most precious smile and that is what brings a smile to my face.

Beaner's wasn't as eventful but still just as precious. We were having a picnic on our front lawn. I had picked up Taco Bell and Beaner was eating a bean burrito. After having a child like Bug who was so picky about staying clean as she ate it was like night and day with Beaner; she would bath in her food. She enjoyed her bean burrito and it was written all over her face. From her eyes down was a beard of beans and right in the middle was her beautiful toofy grin. It is probably my favorite picture I've ever taken. And I know what your thinking, "Is that how she got her nickname?" No. However, it would make for a good story.

Buddy Boons is just a sweet soul, he is not camera shy either. Every time he'd see someone holding a camera he would give his biggest grin, even if the camera was not pointed at him. Of course once the camera operator caught a glimpse of his sweet smile they had to take a few clicks of him. We don't have a shortage of cute pictures of him.

We were in the family room doing scriptures and prayers when Bear decided to try on Beaner's dress-up halo. I laughed because it seemed to me like an oxymoron, him wearing a halo. He is definitely the baby in the family and he rules the roost. He is a bit devilish shall I say. I think that is why is makes me smile so much.

What wonderful memories to be reminded of every morning. All my little angels in the heart of their terrible twos and their wonderful toofy grins. This is what being a mother is all about; remembering the good times and not the difficult ones. Now I will never have the experience of terrible twos ever again. Aren't I grateful for the four I survived.

Depression

I don't know why I let myself get to this point but I am getting better at avoiding it. I am talking about depression. I have suffered from depression practically all my life. I have tracked what my symptoms are and how close to the edge I get. I learned what to do when I start getting down on myself and I also learned what helps pull me out of it. Doctors have tried to give me anti-depressants before, but growing up in a family that believes in natural medicine, I felt guilty and stopped taking them. Everyone is different and I don't think all 'cures' come in pill form so I decided to find out what works for me.

It usually helps to get out of my house, go where there are people. I don't have to talk to them I just need to feel their energy. I try to get the sun on my face and feel of it's warmth. I try to focus on other people and what I can do for them. If a thought about myself comes into my head I push it back out.

However, there are sometimes that I don't recognize what is going on until it is too late and I am already too deep to help myself; that was my day yesterday. I don't know why but I let myself sink deeper and deeper into a depression that I knew was going to be hard to pull myself back from. I went through the whole I'm a horrible mother, wife, friend, person in general, etc. I let myself believe I wasn't worth loving, you get the picture. I won't lie to you and say I didn't see the signs that Satan was creeping into my head filling it full of crap. It's been coming on for days but I chose not to do anything about it, why I don't know.

My knight in shining armor came home from work last night in a good mood. He recognized what was going on immediately and got me out of the house. We went out to dinner and over to get groceries. He joked around with my until I started responding, you would have thought I was in a coma. He is my lighthouse. He saw where I was headed and he helped me before my ship crashed. I know the world teaches us that we need to be individuals who are strong and who can stand on our own. The Lord teaches that man was not meant to be alone and we need each other if we want to attain our best selves. I am so grateful that I have my best friend to help me in my search for my best self. I thank the Lord everyday for leading us to each other.

I am not depressed today, actually I feel great. I have the house all to myself. I went to the libraries book sale and expanded my collection of books. I listened to Conference and sustained a new Prophet. Today is a great day, I think my grass is actually getting greener.

School Truly Makes Me Happy

I know I must sound crazy but I am truly getting what I need out of school. I get adult interaction. I get feed back on my work. I get to leave my home for two hours twice a week. It makes me feel like I am doing something that is just for me. I've heard of this phenomenon happening to other people; school being fun and fulfilling. I just never thought I would be that person.

I've known for about a week now that I am going to need to write my fourth paper. I kept trying to put together a thesis in my head and on paper but nothing was working. I even started writing my paper twice, I got about half way done on both of them and just decided they weren't working for me, I wasn't feeling them. So once again I started from scratch. The sad thing is my first draft was due today so I had to have something on paper to show that I was working. Two hours before school started is when I decided third times the charm. I knew I didn't have long and I would be pushing it. So I jumped in and began. I am not going to say it is an 'A' paper right now. I am going to say it is on it's way to being one. I can't explain why this paper was working for me and the others didn't. Boy am I glad I finally found a thesis that worked.

After this I only have one paper left to write. It isn't going to be an easy one and it's worth 20% of my grade. With Spring awakening all around me it's a bit hard to concentrate. A part of me wishes they would put the hard papers at the beginning or the semester so when I get burnt out it wouldn't affect so much of my grade. But then again I got a 'C' on my first paper and I don't want that making up so much of my grade. At least this way I still have a shot at pulling another 'A'. I guess I agree with the curriculum the way it is.

New Neighbors

My neighbors behind us are moving. I am starting to feel like I stick or something; I've had four sets of neighbors on both sides of us and now I'm going on my third set behind us. Am I that bad of a neighbor? The really bad thing is every time I complain about my neighbors worse ones move in.

On one side of us we had a teenage heavy metal band with a dog's skull over their mantel. They moved out and ten families moved in with hellion children who would steal my kid's toys and throw pool balls at them. I tried to keep my mouth shut and just pray for them to leave. My prayer's were answered and now we have a nice quiet single women who lives there. She works so much we hardly ever see her, it's great.

The neighbors behind us have been great. We got together and would do BBQ night every Tuesday and each of us invited different people every week. They have a daughter the same age as Buddy Boons and they play well together. These are the kinds of neighbors you pray never move, but alas the time has come for them to move on and make their mark on this world and leave me behind.

It's hard to not have a twinge of jealousy. They are embarking on a new adventure, meeting new people, seeing new places, and experiencing life through the view of new surroundings. I myself have lived in the same house for the past eight years and with the housing market the way it is now I wouldn't be able to purchase my own house again let alone one bigger.

Don't get me wrong I love my house. It is in the perfect location, it only takes us five minutes to get anywhere in town. It is an older home with character and charm, two things that are very important to me. Our backyard is our oasis, which we enjoy hosting parties in. I have a great life and a great home. I don't know why I am jealous of my neighbors. I guess I hunger for adventure. But who says my adventure can't be bike riding with my kids or hiking in the local mountains and discovering the beauty we miss everyday in our rush to have a "normal life".

It seems we are always wishing things could just settle down. We were in the early years of college and we wished we could hurry up and graduate. Well we are here now and I got to say the settled down "normal life" isn't all it's cracked up to be. I get complacent and bored, which can only lead to trouble. I search for ways to shake things up again so what did I do? I went back to school and so did Big D. Well now we are right back to thinking how great life is going to be when we are done. How ironic is that?

Everyone needs adventure in their life, but I don't necessarily think it has to come from moving. I think you can get it right in your own home. It take creativity, time, and energy, but it is possible. I am going to search out the ways to do this for my family, in the mean time I am going to wish my old neighbors luck and invite my new neighbors over for a BBQ.

I Got an 'A' on My Paper

Wow I am so elated. I want to tell everyone about how happy I am. I want to sing from the roof tops; I gotta 'A' I gotta 'A' I gotta 'A' Hay Hay Hay Hay.

I tried calling Big D at work so he could share in my elation but he didn't answer, must have been in a meeting. So then I called my sister and she wasn't in that great of a mood; she is struggling in one of her classes, she's in the nursing program. I felt guilty that I was so excited. She was happy for me but it broke my heart that I couldn't help her have a better day. I hope she doesn't feel like I was rubbing my good fortune in her face. Now I wish I didn't say anything.

What is a person to do in that situation? I wish I could go down and help her study but she lives about two hundred miles away.

Both my sisters' are people who would do anything for you. If they know your passion they are the first to encourage it. They will see something in the store and buy it for you just because. They will call up and ask how your pursuits are going. I wish I was more thoughtful like they are. I can learn a lot from them and I am the older one.

We have a sibling weekend planned for the first of May. My mom, my brother's, and their wives, no kids, are heading down to stay at my sisters' house and enjoy ourselves. I wonder if I can get something together for them to show them how much I appreciate them. Maybe a care package with some brain food so the next time we talk about our latest grades we can all be elated about an 'A'.