My Big Mouth

This morning I woke up early, in time to see Big D before leaving for work. He sat down on the bed and told me he found something last night. He found a little post it note on his school binder. My mind started racing trying to remember if I had put it there. He explained that it was from our oldest, Bug. She had left him a note saying, "Daddy please don't take this new job." Needless to say it broke his heart and he was unable to concentrate on his homework. It was still bothering him that morning and didn't know what to do about it.

It has been pretty hectic the past few months with Big D's boss moving on to greener pastures leaving Big D to run the department. Well his boss wasn't very forthcoming with information, he liked to do it all himself so he didn't teach Big D much of anything. Now not only is he having to train himself how to run this department; it is now the end of the fiscal year for them and he has people needing last minute help with their projects completion. Well, he is also in his first semester of the master's program. All of this hit at the same time and he is running around trying to fulfill all his obligations and not let anyone down.

I didn't help things when I confessed to him I had a disturbing dream the other night. In this dream I was married to someone else, Big D was there with Bear and the were leaving. I looked at him and asked him where he was going and he told me he needed to go home and put the kids to bed. I remember my heart was torn because all I wanted to do was go with him, but I couldn't. I had to stay because I was married to someone else. I woke up and I knew exactly what the dream meant. It was an incite to how Big D feels when he is at work and all he wants to do is be at home with me and the kids. It made my heart ache for him.

So this morning, making breakfast for the kids before I pushed them out the door for a day of learning, I told Bug her daddy found the note. I told her it made him sad. She broke down in tears. I really could have worded that differently. I held her in my arms and tried to explain to her that it wasn't her note exactly that made him sad, it was that he was sad because he didn't get to spend as much time with them as he'd like. He missed them more than anything but he doesn't know what to do about it. He hates that he has to spend the majority of his time at work, comes home for an hour and then rushes off to school. I told her it will get better in about two weeks when school gets out and we can spend the evenings together as a family. I hope she felt better after that because I gotta say I felt like a horrible mother.

It is hard having Big D gone so much. What do you do? You have to provide for your family and the expenses grow as the children grow. And the yearly cost of living increase does not keep up. It sucks having to chase the all mighty dollar but if we don't win the lottery here soon, we have to do what we have to do. I guess our chances would increase if we played the lottery, darn.