It's Getting Close.

I can tell Sweeton's Birthday is getting close because I am having some erratic mood swings, my poor family. I was apologizing to Big D last night for my mood swings and telling him I just didn't know what was wrong with me. He brought up the fact that next week is Sweeton's Birthday. He said he knew I was having a hard time when I freaked out the cemetery took the stuff off Sweeton's grave. I knew it was coming because Bear has been so excited to go Birthday shopping with Grandma. I guess I was trying to focus on the positive: making it a special day for Bear. I guess I am failing if I subconsciously inflict torture upon my family. I keep thinking it will get better after the passing of another year, but it doesn't seem to. I know I will never get over it and I don't want to. However, I do want to be happy and help my kids to have a happy childhood.

Big D seems to be handling things just fine, so what's my problem? Do women just hold on to things longer than men; grudges, and death? Is it just our personalities; I am more obsessive, he's more laid back? Is Big D just stronger than I am? I am sure it is all that and probably more. I need to learn to be better.

Isn't it funny that people just don't talk about it anymore. There for awhile it was, "Oh how are you doing?" and "What happened?" or "Is there anything I can do?" but then there is nothing, like everyone just expects you to have moved on. Well if you have eyes you can see in my ballooning weight gain that I haven't moved on.

I believe there is hope. I believe I am someday going to be able to celebrate Sweeton and Bear's Birthday without the prick to my heart. I believe that someday I will be able to look at Bear and not long to see two of him. I believe that someday I will be able to take a deep breath and not feel like I am drowning. I believe that someday the grass will be green again. Who knows maybe that day will be tomorrow, it is definitely not today, it snowed.

Goal #5 How I Saw The Lord's Hand

I finished writing my "How I saw the Lord's Hand in my Day" segment. I took this idea from President Henry B. Eyring's conference talk. I just loved his account of how it all started: his kids were young and his father, or father-in-law I can't remember which, was at Henry's house performing service for his young family. He wanted to keep a record of how grateful he was for the small ways the Lord blesses him and his family everyday so he started a journal that he continues to write in everyday.

I really enjoyed taking a minute and contemplating my blessings. I know that I am truly blessed in my life and when I search for the little blessings, not just the big ones, it helps me be that much more grateful. I would really like to continue writing about seeing the Lord's hand in my daily life. I don't exactly know how I am going to do it yet, I don't think my side bar is big enough to continue adding on. I really need to learn to be more computer literate so I can figure out some of these cool things other's have on their blogs.

I don't think I went as deep as I would have liked in my gratitude. I think if I continue to write how I saw the Lord's hand then I can start looking on a deeper level and learn something about myself.

Big D and I love to lay in bed, after our minions are all put to bed, and talk. I love to ask him how he saw the Lord's hand that day. He gives the best answers like when he was grateful he made it to work on a particularly blustery icy morning. I have to admit I was grateful for that as well. I guess I am a bit bias when it comes to Big D; I think anything that comes out of that mans mouth is wonderful.

Goal #41 Do Something Childish With Kids

Tonight I did something childish with my kids. Beaner started blowing bubbles in her lemonade at dinner and I told her to stop. I asked Bug to grab me a straw and told the kids on the count of three we were all going to have a bubble blowing contest. We had a great time seeing who could make the biggest mess, Bear won that one. Every once in awhile one of us would splash ourselves in the eye and everyone would laugh.

Spring Cleaning

My sister came home for the weekend and stopped by to see me. She asked me if I'd been to the cemetery lately, her fiance is buried right behind my son. I told her I was out there just last week and she asked if I knew they were doing Spring cleaning. I did and I already cleaned off Sweeton's grave. "So you know that every thing is gone then?" she said. I didn't quite follow what she was saying and she explained they cleaned everything: wind chime, little duck, car, and shepherd's staff all gone. Well I didn't know that and I was livid. We drove over there last night but the office was closed up for the night. We drove back out this afternoon and dug through everyone sentimental objects in search for our own. I have to admit that it is a bit frigid today. We found every thing that goes on Sweeton's grave except his car. That is one of the main things I really wanted to find. Big D put that on Sweeton's grave and it's the only thing he has ever put on his grave. So it probably means more to me, that I find it, than it means to him. I am planning on going back in a few days after other people have gone through and found their stuff. Maybe they will uncover the car.

My sister found a couple things that belong on her fiance's grave. The one thing she really wanted to find was a key that was inscribed with, "You hold the key to my heart". We didn't find it but she said she is just going to get another one. I guess I could do that, buy another car, but would it mean the same if it isn't a gift from Sweeton's dad?

The cemetery employee's did warn us that they do this deep of a Spring Cleaning about every ten years when they 'stuff' gets too deep, that is really good information. I just hope I remember in ten years so I can take the stuff before they do. I know it is just stuff and it's not like Sweeton needs it, but it brings us comfort when we visit and the air is filled with the sweet music from the chimes, his twin brother plays with the car and makes the duck quack with a squeeze of it's belly. The stuff helps me feel like I am doing something for my baby that I no longer get to hold.

Small Talk

I have been listening to "The Fine Art of Small Talk" by Debra Fine. I have struggled with small talk my whole life. I hate parties, crowds, or even talking on the phone for just such a reason. I can't carry on a conversation to save my life. I think that is why me and my former sister-in-law got along so well. All I had to do was ask her how her day was and she wouldn't shut up for an hour. I didn't have to worry about what question I was going to ask next all I had to do was nod my head every once in awhile and say, "Uh huh".

I've noticed that my fear of talking to people, and them thinking I am an idiot, is getting worse as I get older. I am under the impression that I get to choose if I want to be uncomfortable or not. So I choose to avoid places or functions that I will more than likely feel uncomfortable for not carrying on a conversation. The sad thing is I haven't made any good friends since I got out of high school, thirteen years ago. Besides that I only talk to one of the friends I did make in high school, and that is over the computer most of the time. I've always been under the assumption that my family are my friends and I don't need anyone else. Well that theory got put through the ringer when my brother and his wife split up. I was devastated and I had no one to talk to about it. I couldn't talk to any family members about it because they were feeling the same way I was. I needed an outside person to cry to and not worry that I needed to give them time to cry about it too.

I decided I need to make some new friends. I need to experience the wonderful people who are out there waiting for me to talk to them. Now I am ready. I am armed with the tools I need to be a great conversationalist and now I just need my first victim to test these tools out on. Just wait by the end of my life I am going to have so many friends they are going to have to hold my funeral in a football stadium. Ha ha that's funny!

Spring

I love Spring, as a matter of fact I don't know anyone who doesn't love Spring. There is something fresh about the changing of seasons. It refreshes the spirit and helps life to have new meaning. Don't get me wrong I love Winter, Summer, and Autumn too. They all have their own respective auras they portray for me. I feel blessed to live in a place that gets to experience all the seasons in all their splendor. This last Winter has been the best one we've had in over a decade and although it is sad seeing it come to an end, I sure love Spring. My mood brightens as I watch the new growth bursting through the ground. I get an overwhelming sense of accomplishment when I plant my garden and I see it take shape. I love being able to kick my kids outside when they are annoying me. We get to wrap up school and look forward to all our Summer activities. There is just nothing bad about Spring.

Cinderella

For my fourth English paper I have to write a persuasive essay on nine different Cinderella stories. I didn't even know there was so many. It has opened my eyes to some cultures and there folklore. Like the story from Africa where a frog is her fairy god mother, so to speak, and he eats her then vomits her back up and she's all beautified, gross! The Brother's Grimm story has her step-sisters getting their eyes pecked out in revenge, very Alfred Hitchcock. Then there is the European version that has Cinderella killing her first step-mother to make way for her governess to take her spot, a bit conniving for me.

I am suppose to take an argument and make you think differently about the beloved story of Cinderella. Most people, myself being one of them until recently, only know the Disney version where sweetness and hard work prevail. In the other stories she portrays some sweetness and innocence but they are not the reason she succeeds. The story is really a very negative view on life for young women. It teaches young women that all their problems will be solved if we can marry a handsome rich prince to take us away from our reality.

My professor brought up the point that maybe we could argue Cinderella was really schizophrenic and that is why she thought the animals were talking to her. I thought maybe we could say that she was just a whiner and her step-sisters and step-mother weren't really that bad, Cinderella was just screaming out for attention.

I really don't know what stance I am going to take on my paper but I am looking forward to it. I think it is going to be fun tackling Cinderella, but I may not let my daughter's watch the movie ever again after I'm done.

Being in Debt

What fun it is to be in debt. I don't think Big D and I feel comfortable unless we are in the red. Every time we work out the check book and we have the slightest bit of money we not only have to go out and spend that, we have to spend it three times just to make sure we are really in the red. I believe that is our comfort zone. It's funny because these big motivational speakers always say, "You need to force yourself outside your comfort zone." They are truly speaking to us. Maybe we could go out to dinner and not feel guilty with every bite if we weren't already in debt, and we still have to pay the tab. One day I promise myself and the world that I will be able to live with in a budget, or I will loose my shirt trying.

Holiday Torture No More

My kids got a bit of a treat for St. Patrick's Day, I made them green eggs and ham with a green blueberry muffin on the side. The older three loved that mom was playing with the food for once. Bear would have nothing to do with the eggs. He picked at them and asked, "What are these?" I told him they were eggs and he said, "Where did you get them?" I had to laugh. He's still a bit too young to enjoy such a menial thing as food coloring in his food.

What fun holidays are when we are young. They seem so magical and exciting. I often wonder where all that fun loving excitement went now that I am an adult. Why can't I relax and enjoy the fun spirit of holidays anymore? Maybe it's because now I am responsible for making them memorable for my kids instead of laying back waiting to see what my mom was going to do for me. I used to love holidays like Christmas, Halloween, and Easter. Now I just see them as one more ploy to load my kids up with superfluous garbage and junk food. Whatever happened to "special occasions" Now there is a holiday every month and I am going broke, my kids expect goodies almost everyday it seems like, and I can' keep up with all the decorating I am suppose to do. Is it bad of me for wanting to skip a holiday sometimes?

I know there are no rules concerning proper holiday present giving, but the commercial industry makes it hard to ignore. Big D and I have decided that we are not going to spoil our kids with every holiday. We are going to quit torturing ourselves with debt that takes us six months to pay off. Presents aren't what celebrating is all about. We need to go back to celebrating the spirit of individual holidays. So with Easter coming up this weekend we are going to give each of our kids a new Spring outfit and that's it. We aren't going to overwhelm ourselves with making it to every Easter egg hunt in town. We aren't going to load our kids with sugar just so they can turn into little monsters. We are going to discuss the reason we celebrate Easter and we are going to enjoy all the blessings that this holiday brings to us.

Goals

I have recently finished my list of 50 Goals in 550 days. I read them to my husband and he asked me if I know how long 550 days is. Yes I know how to count. I am excited about this new challenge I have placed before myself. I know some of them are easier than others and some seem stupid to others, however, I am planning on finishing them all. I think my biggest challenge is going to be number ten: take a picture of each one of my kids for 365 days, that is 1,460 pictures. It is going to be especially hard on weekends when they go to their grandparents house, I don't know what I am going to do then. Maybe I can send the camera with them and ask Bug to take the pictures for me, is that cheating?

Goals are such a good habit to get into. I was raised with others telling me to set goals for myself. Being the obstinate child I was, just ask my mom, I never took them up on it. I have recently in my adult years discovered the wisdom behind setting goals. I have learned that it helps with my self-esteem when I meet a goal. I took a challenge to read the Book of Mormon three years ago. The Prophet offered the challenge in August, I think, and asked that we finish it by the end of the year. I didn't decided to get involved until October. I mapped out how many chapters I had to read a day to finish and on December 22, 2005 I finished the Book of Mormon for the first time in my life. I enjoyed the challenge so much that over the next two years I set a goal to finish all the books of scripture and on December 17, 2007 I finished my last book in the Bible. That was one goal I was scared I wouldn't make. It took me three months to get through the book of Isaiah. I finished it and now I can mark myself up there with people who have read all the books of scripture, that means a lot to me.

Everyone has their own goals in life. Some have the goal to make it through one more day. I had days like that after my son died. Other's have goals to be rich. I have a goal to be happy and I believe by focusing most of my goals on others I will learn how serving others makes me happy.

When Is Enough really Too Much

I am setting up this new blog and trying to take good photographs for my Flickr sight. I am also trying to write for fun and for my English class. I feel like I am at my computer all day. I wouldn't mind so much except for the fact that Buddy Boons and Bear have been entertaining themselves while I am working. I know they need to learn to entertain themselves, however, when do I cross the line into being a bad mom for neglect? I need to learn to balance my time with my family, my schooling and my hobbies. I love them all and I don't want any of them to be neglected. I know this is not a new issue by any means. People have been stuggling with balance since the begining of time. For instance, how did Eve balance her time with Adam and her duty to further man kind? I mean really how hard can this be to balance my life.

A lot of the books I read about writing stress the importance of setting a schedule. Write on your schedule time to write and it helps take away the guilt that you should be doing something else. I love this idea because I am a fanatic about organization; I can function if I know everything is in its place. I think some people may call that anal. I am going to do it, I will set a schedule and see if it helps me feel like a better mother, wife, student, and writer. Now it's a matter of who gets what time slot and for how long.

Self Discovery

I have discovered a new blog recently that I have really enjoyed. It is "Modern Acropolis" written by a very talented young lady named Marie. Her blog has so many options to discover a little more about who she is (I have actually borrowed some of her ideas for my blog). I am drawn to her energy that comes across when I read all the jars she has her hand in. She has recently started a new photography project called: Project 3173. There are six ladies from six different locations around the United States who take a picture and post in on this website everyday. I am lucky enough to be a part of this project. I am excited about the challenge of 'everyday', I hope I don't forget. This project is forcing me to look at my surroundings and try to find something worthy of taking a picture. I find that photography is what I do when I am not feeling all that creative. It helps to stimulate me and get me in the mood to write. Photography also helps me discover who I am and how I see the world.

Taking a Leap into the Unknown

I do not claim to be the best writer, but I love to write. I have recently been introduced to blogs, I know what your thinking, "Where has she been under a rock? Blogs have been around for years." I have become addicted to writer's blogs. I feel an intrinsic conncection with these writers. They light a fire in my soul that makes me want to explore this burning desire to be like them. To be brave enough to share my writing and to open myself up to a world of possibilities. Maybe someday I too can call myself a writer, until them I will blog.

I don't quite understand the obsession with blogging. Inviting the world to be an audience to my life doesn't sound like me. I thought that I could be a wall flower and not get involved but I now know different. I must blog. I don't really know what to blog about. Is anyone even going to want to read about my boring life? Probably not, but this is my way to reach out and see who reaches back.