It's Getting Close.

I can tell Sweeton's Birthday is getting close because I am having some erratic mood swings, my poor family. I was apologizing to Big D last night for my mood swings and telling him I just didn't know what was wrong with me. He brought up the fact that next week is Sweeton's Birthday. He said he knew I was having a hard time when I freaked out the cemetery took the stuff off Sweeton's grave. I knew it was coming because Bear has been so excited to go Birthday shopping with Grandma. I guess I was trying to focus on the positive: making it a special day for Bear. I guess I am failing if I subconsciously inflict torture upon my family. I keep thinking it will get better after the passing of another year, but it doesn't seem to. I know I will never get over it and I don't want to. However, I do want to be happy and help my kids to have a happy childhood.

Big D seems to be handling things just fine, so what's my problem? Do women just hold on to things longer than men; grudges, and death? Is it just our personalities; I am more obsessive, he's more laid back? Is Big D just stronger than I am? I am sure it is all that and probably more. I need to learn to be better.

Isn't it funny that people just don't talk about it anymore. There for awhile it was, "Oh how are you doing?" and "What happened?" or "Is there anything I can do?" but then there is nothing, like everyone just expects you to have moved on. Well if you have eyes you can see in my ballooning weight gain that I haven't moved on.

I believe there is hope. I believe I am someday going to be able to celebrate Sweeton and Bear's Birthday without the prick to my heart. I believe that someday I will be able to look at Bear and not long to see two of him. I believe that someday I will be able to take a deep breath and not feel like I am drowning. I believe that someday the grass will be green again. Who knows maybe that day will be tomorrow, it is definitely not today, it snowed.